I Brake for Butterflies (and Crush Cockroaches Too)

A (re)introduction

a little bit ago I posted a note on Substack saying,

the scariest, most vulnerable words for me right now:

I am here. This is who I am. I want to be a part of this.

Since sharing that I’ve sat with the truth of that note. Mainly the “right now” part, which suggests this sentiment is current AND new. And, if I’m being really real, the feeling *is* current, but it is certainly not new. 

I’ve always hated introductions...at new churches as a child (WHY? Why this tradition?), in job interviews (“Tell us about yourself”)... when I’m new to any space. How do I pick the “right” details to share? What’s Goldilocks - not too much, not too little...just right? Oh yeah.. Let me just boil 42 years of life experience down into 2 minutes or less and hit the main points of “why me?” for this company and this position. 

It’s easy for me to name the hesitation and frustration that surface when I introduce myself, but underneath those is the fear. A foundational fear of “not belonging”: that people will find out who I am and decide I’m not for them or the group. And the fear that however I label myself will be a box I’m stuck in forever. What’s the saying? ...you only get one chance to make a first impression, right?

So all of this pressure falls onto introductions, because of the false belief that I can control how I am perceived. 

But a lifetime of trying to avoid or fit into people’s boxes has taught me again and again that I cannot control how I am perceived, even if the residue of wanting to still lingers.

I really wanted this post to be about me introducing my curious and playful side. My gentleness. My love for words and Earth’s mini-wonders, like ladybugs, dragon- and damselflies, lightning bugs... I legit stopped the car so I wouldn’t hit a butterfly a couple of weeks ago...it was a small bright yellow little thing. Hence the new Substack title... “I Brake For Butterflies”.

(photo cred: Me; “I named this one ‘Sprite’”)

Then I realized I was falling into the familiar pattern of trying to control the narrative... how you, Dear Reader, perceive me. Goldilocks-ing it again and only giving what I hoped was “just right”.

The truth is in addition to the curiosity, playfulness, and gentleness within me there is a multitude of emotions, like sometimes a boiling rage. One that I try to push down and deny. One that comes out every time I witness people perpetuating cycles of hurt onto folks who are vulnerable. (If you’ve missed any of the recent cruelty in the world check out any of the following:  this recent Noha Beshir post clearly names it, or search “NYPD shooting a subway turnstile jumper” or “Sean “Diddy” Combs indictment” to find out about him and the network around him that supported his “alleged” *eyeroll* heinous acts.) And under that rage is a profound sadness and confusion - how are we so cruel to each other? And in what ways do I perpetuate cruelty as well? (To me cruelty includes feigned ignorance and silence as beings are oppressed, not just the more direct acts of oppression.) 

So this space I’m cultivating cannot just hold the butterflies, it must have room enough for all of me; the play and curiosity, as well as the rage, sadness, confusion, and fear. I need this space to hold my silliness that can manifest as hours of playing pretend with a group of 5 year olds, in full character keeping an ongoing storyline that we started months before. Seriously, the twists and subplots are telenovela worthy. 

I also need room to explore my deep desire to be in alignment with my values and sadness when I’m not. My more frequently wavering, yet always returning, hope that liberation is not just part of the zeitgeist must also fit here. I know we can live in harmonious reciprocity with each other and the land.

And Love. I need there to be space for love.

So my (re)introduction of me and this Substack is about me making room for all of that... all of the layers and nuance of human behavior through the observations of one human, me.  And I’m going to explore all of it.

The seeming contradictions we as humans all hold within: my own contradictions and my reactions to the patterns I witness in others.

When I realized AND accepted that I needed a space to hold the complexity inherent in my humanity, I decided to expand my title, because I don’t just brake for butterflies or pause to wonder at the palettes on the dragonflies that cross my path... I also crush cockroaches. And I crush them with a mind-blowing, blackout vengeance that is truly a sight to behold. And each time I wonder why I can spend 20 minutes ushering a gecko to the door and not do the same for a roach.

Oh... and by way of introduction I could also add the resume fillers and receipts... 

• BA in Psychology from a small liberal arts college in the West of the US

• Decades of teaching and education research experience across continents

• a PhD in cognitive development

...But honestly, the degrees feel like the least interesting things about me, though people give it a LOT of weight. I struggle with people treating me with more deference than they did when I told them I was a Kindergarten teacher (that was always met with a condescending “awwwwww” 🙄). Also I have witnessed people weaponize my academic accomplishments against other people since I was young... soooo yeah - up until recently I haven't talked about it much. But they are part of me as well. So they belong here.

As for my introduction:

Hi! I’m Ama (pronounced “UH-ma”)

I'm someone who thinks deeply, mainly about the journey from birth to adulthood and the learning along the way...

I’m super into metaphors, lessons we can find in natural ecosystems, and the ways we can shift and transform our behaviors through action.

I am here. This is who I am.

And this is my publication which I hope will plant seeds that lead us to live more harmoniously. 

I belong here... and you too, Dear Reader, are welcome in your entirety.

Akwaaba